This has been a really horrible week.  I expected to exercise every day this week and not only did I not but I have just been so depressed.  I lost a brother this week.  He wasn’t a blood brother but he was a brother in every way that counts.  He was always more a brother to me than my own brother.  He died Tuesday, June 28th, 2011 at 7:53 PM.  He was riding his motorcycle drunk.  I urge anyone who reads this, don’t ever drink and drive! EVER!  It will only end badly for all parties.  I keep thinking, how is it that I’m never going to see his face again?  It doesn’t seem real.  It seems so much like a dream.  I know that part of that is that I couldn’t make it to the funeral.  It was held in California and I live in Arkansas so it wasn’t possible because I don’t have a lot of money.  I wish I could have been there.  Not only to say goodbye but to be there for my best friend.  I don’t know how she’s handling it or how she’s doing on the inside.  She always puts on a good front on the outside.  I just miss that family so much.  They were my family for so long and when they moved…..I just miss talking to my best friend every day about meaningless stuff.

On another note, I go to the lawyer tomorrow to file for bankruptcy.  I’m so anxious about it.  I mean when I made the decision, it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders because I had gotten way over my head with credit cards but now I’m wondering if it’s the right thing to do.  Maybe it’s a mistake, maybe it’s not.  It’s so frustrating.  I know I need to do something because I can’t keep up payments or anything hardly anymore. Every time I pay something, I have to use it and max it out again just to make it through the month.  It’s annoying and sucky.  Don’t ever get credit cards if you can avoid it.

I guess that’s been my week.  It’s been a sucky week all around.  Wish I could go back and relive it and just save my brother’s life and be with my family.  Wish I could go back to last week when everything was all good.  Doesn’t work that way huh? Guess it’s just move on and try to be normal again.  Do you ever go back to normal when people you love go away?  Guess I’ll find out soon.

internal-acceptance-movement:

“The scale can only give you a numerical reflection of your relationship with gravity.

That’s it.

It cannot measure talent or purpose.

It does not take into account courage or love. 

A scale cannot weigh the energy and light of your spirit.

A number cannot define the value of your soul. 

Don’t give the scale more power than it has earned.

It’s time to reclaim your body.

It’s time to throw out the scale.

The number it reads does not define who you are.

Revel in who you are and in the body you have been given.

You are beautiful! ”

-Steve Maraboli

opheliapunk:

Okay guys.  I know this seems odd or strange asking you guys.  But the picture above is of Ryan Roullette.  He was a special man.  Was more a brother to me than my own brother was.  He died Tuesday night in a motorcycle accident at the age of 35.  Left behind a mother(who has already lost a child back in 1986 to drunk driving), a twin brother, a sister and an older brother.  Also has left behind two gorgeous kids. Both teens.  Raquelle and Ryan Jr.

He didn’t have any life insurance and the family isn’t well off by any means.  I’m not asking you guys to give all your money or to give at all.  Just please pass this along so someone who can be able to donate will. Thank you guys and please continue to pray for this family and for me.  I’m having a hard time of this(feel like I am mourning a little too much considering I’m not blood family).

If you can donate, pls go to Pay Pal and send to lovealive1@live.com.  I’d really appreciate any help you can give from $1 - $5 - $20.  Just anything.  Thank you so much.

DAY ONE

What are your five favorite facial features on yourself?

I’m gonna try and be as un-negative as possible.

My eyes.  They are definitely number one.  I love blue eyes and mine are really dark blue.

My lips.  I used to say I wanted plump lips but when I look around at a lot of people, I realize I have gorgeous lips to me.  They are dark pink a lot and I don’t have to wear lipstick, just gloss.

My ears.  Most of my family has ears that stick out and mine are small compared to theirs.  My grandma used to tell me I had the perfect ear lobes. :)

My dimples.  A lot of people want to get rid of the laugh lines but I love my dimples.

My nose. I don’t know why.

That was hard for me to do.  But I guess I do love all those things about me or I wouldn’t be me.

eatingdisordersupport:

If you don’t know what a 10 day challenge is, it’s a challenge on tumblr where you answer one of the questions each day for 10 days. Some challenges are about celebrities and this one happens to be about YOU. Created by http://thenervousmindoflove.tumblr.com

Day 1 - What are your five favorite…

I didn’t exercise today.  I had such a bad night.  My anxiety levels were through the roof and I wasn’t able to fall asleep until around 10AM this morning.  I hate when that happens.  I always feel so much better when I’m waking at 7am as opposed to staying up all night.  My body knows that I need to sleep when the sun goes down.  It’s hard because a lot of my friends are online at night.

I don’t know what caused my panic last night.  I get attacks at night a lot.  Mostly because I’m alone and bored.  Boredom causes panic in me A LOT.  When I’m awake and not able to concentrate on something, my mind just goes wild.  It won’t stay still.  It won’t let me be at peace.  It’s rather annoying really.  Sometimes I wish I could just relax and be at peace for once.  When I’m not at peace I feel like cutting.

I was 5 years clean from self harm until around 5 months ago.  Now I’ve been clean 5 months 3 weeks 6 days.  I almost did it last night.  I try and fight it so hard.  When I was about ready to get up and head to the bathroom my beagle, Bree, jumped into my bed.  Sometimes I think she senses when I’m anxious because she always comes around me and snuggles with me.  She’s kind of my savior sometimes.

Think I’m gonna try and exercise tonight.  At least I’m still eating lighter and healthier. :)

I’ll end this wish my motto.  I will win this fight! I will be better! I will lose weight! I will become me! I will LOVE ME!

So this is the start of my journey to becoming the new and improved me. I hope I can inspire. I know there will be days that I’m just not in the mood to do anything. I know there will be days that I won’t want to exercise, I won’t want to get out of bed, but I am going to hopefully force myself too.

I hope I can share my struggle and my journey with you. I hope I can inspire you. I hope I can make something fantastic in this sharing to make you see that you can do something for YOU.

I have so many ambitions and so much I want to accomplish and it feels like my body is fighting against me. I don’t know. I wanted to exercise so bad this week but I’ve woken with a headache everyday. It’s not fair. Why can’t my body and mind cooperate? I just want so badly for things to work out the way “I” want them too and not the way the world has them set out. So many people already tell me I’m going to fail…”There’s no way you can lose all that weight, your body is set in it’s ways” … “There’s no way you can finish school, you would have done it already” … “There’s no way you can become a Graphic Designer, you just aren’t talented or dedicated enough”. You know what I have to say to them right now … FUCK YOU!

I’m gonna win this fight! I’m going to lose my weight! I’m going to become mentally healthy! I’m going to be what I want to be! I’m going to LOVE ME!